More and more young people all around the world struggle with mental health issues, addiction or behavioural problems. Particularly headmasters, teachers and pastoral staff members are uniquely positioned to notice early warning signs and behavioural changes. Their roles are therefore crucial to intervene as early as possible.
“I went to boarding school when I was 13,” former fellow Toby begins. “It was a very difficult transition, and I was very homesick. I was extremely nervous about the whole experience because, at every other school I had ever attended, I had been a victim of bullying. What scared me the most was the fact that I didn’t have a safe place to go there, that was my biggest fear. In my first year, I wasn’t really subjected to a lot of bullying, but I was definitely putting on a mask. My parents knew I was homesick, but I didn’t tell them how scared I was. Although I really missed them, I wasn’t capable of discussing it with them. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I simply wasn’t capable. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to have a conversation with my parents about my emotional well-being at any stage before.”
“Drinking alcohol started out as just a fun thing for me. The school was organising a party for all students in my year, and I thought it would be fun to bring a bottle of booze along. My friends and I had a great time. I felt on top of the world and was very convinced I had found Eden. That is very much how my substance abuse began. Since attending boarding school, I could never physically escape. Alcohol made me realise that there was now an opportunity to go somewhere else mentally. I felt trapped and scared and drinking made all those feelings disappear. Suddenly, I was confident and it was literally the antidote to every negative feeling I had experienced over the past few years. I started drinking when I was late 15, but I had been dealing with mental health issues for probably eight months before that.”
“First, it started with me taking a bottle of booze from my parents’ home. I would make it last for as long as I could. After that, I had friends in the upper years who I would ask me to get alcohol, or I started drinking hand sanitiser. My school had absolutely no idea, I kept it very well hidden. It wasn’t until two suicide attempts on the school grounds that they realised something was wrong. That something had been happening, and they were not aware of it. They absolutely had no idea. But to be fair, no one did.”
His parents had already suspected for over six months that something wasn’t right. “It is hard to distinguish between a teenager simply pushing boundaries and a real mental health problem,” his mother admits. “Finding out that he had drunk most of a bottle of gin, on his own, on a school field on one of the coldest nights of the year was obviously an indicator. Initially, his school’s reaction was like ‘Oh it’s alcohol, so it’s disciplinary’. I picked him up because he was suspended. But in reality, he needed help. This was not normal teenage behaviour. If it had been a group of friends drinking, then maybe. But on your own? It’s hard to say whether the school should have known, because Toby was very good at hiding it.”
“It’s hard to distinguish between a teenager simply pushing boundaries and real mental health issues.”
Toby: “Because I already struggled with mental health issues at school, the whole concept of a boarding school made it for me about ten times worse. You can’t go anywhere and I didn’t feel like I could talk to teachers about it.” His mother adds: “Initially, his school wasn’t good in recognising mental health issues, but communication also played a role. We weren’t told that Toby had been seeing the school counsellor or educational psychologist, that information didn’t seem to be shared. Student confidentiality is one thing, but distributing vital pieces of information over many separate boxes is another. Nobody had a complete picture, for which reason crucial opportunities to help and understand the severity of what was going on were missed. However, once the school became aware that it was a mental health issue, they were very supportive.”
After his suspension, Toby returned to his boarding school after two months. “At that point, I was so deep into my addiction that it was easier for me to use at school than at home. I was in full-blown addict mode, where my decisions were based entirely on the percentage likelihood of being able to use. My school wasn’t equipped to deal with someone showing the behavioural patterns of an addict. Someone who was willing to lie, manipulate and do everything a typical addict would do.” His mom adds: “But I think the discussion should also be whether it’s the school’s responsibility to deal with addicts. I believe their role should be to recognise certain symptoms and then reach out for professional help. The second time Toby had to leave school, it was not because he was expelled again, but they said they couldn’t keep him safe anymore.”
Through his counsellor, Toby and his parents were informed about Yes We Can Youth Clinics, a residential treatment centre for 13-25-year-olds with mental health issues, addictions and behavioural problems. “I was pretty miserable on the way over because I knew I was going to be cut off from alcohol. But at that point, I was simply fed up with my parents and living with them under imposed house arrest. Being sent to Yes We Can Youth Clinics felt like another adult had given me a way to escape from my house. Once there, the connection with another addict is what really began to pull me back. The therapeutic value of one expert by experience helping another fellow is unparalleled. They hit me with a harsh dose of reality. My entire way of living had been lying, deceiving, and manipulating, just keeping everyone in like a spider web. But at Yes We Can, the therapists, psychiatrists, counsellors (experts by experience), youth coaches and the fellows saw straight through it. And that had never happened before.”
After his treatment at Yes We Can Youth Clinics, Toby feels better than ever. “When I returned home, it was during the COVID lockdown. I attended meetings multiple times a week because there was nothing else to do. In these support groups I meet other fellows and we can talk about our challenges and successes in our recovery. I know lockdown caused a lot of people to struggle with their recovery, but I found it quite beneficial. It forced me to have structure.” Toby nowadays shares his experiences as a recovery coach to help others who are struggling, follows his passions and lives life to the full. Also the communication between him and his parents has been re-established. “My life is everything that I hoped it could be. I have so much more to do and so much more to live. And I am excited for every single moment of it.”
If you need assistance, the team of Yes We Can Youth Clinics is always there for you with advice and guidance. Call +31 (0)85 020 1222 or e-mail [email protected] for more information.
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